Braden’s Voice

“If I could get one perfect gift this Christmas, it would be God bringing me my baby sister.” – Braden;  December 23, 2006

“Braden. I have good news and I have bad news.  The bad news is Santa will need to postpone his delivery a couple of days.  The good news is, you got your perfect Christmas gift this morning.” – Braden’s dad;  December 24, 2006

Christmas is almost here!  Well, not exactly.  To be precise, it’s six days; 15 hours; 52 minutes; and 42 seconds away.  I know this because Braden’s sister, Caitlin informs us of the update on an hourly basis.  She has an app from the Norad Santa Tracker online site and she watches it like a starving hawk.

Reader:  Please indulge me for a little “Night Before Christmas” story

Caitlin was a tough pregnancy to say the least.  We tried unsuccessfully for six years, losing three pregnancies, always wanting a second child and sibling for Braden. He yearned for a sister or brother.  Running out of options, we finally bought a dog… then, Boom! We got pregnant. However, Cathy had “HD” : Hyperemesis Gravidarum.  This is basically unrelenting nausea. It’s so bad, it puts the mother in bed for weeks or months and can be life threatening.  This wasn’t what we tried six years to get!

Our family was planning to get through the holidays and we scheduled delivery around the second week of January.  How convenient. On December 23rd, we went ice skating and that night, we all three went to bed with visions of sugar plum fairies dancing in our heads. Well, maybe not me.  I was actually thinking how sore I was. You see, annually around this season, I suffer from “AASS”: Advanced Age Skating Syndrome which is basically feeling like you should never EVER skate again.

Around 2:15 am Cathy woke me with a clatter (ok, I got going with the theme, so just stay with me).  “Mark, I don’t know why,  but I woke up and just think I need to go to the hospital”.  I asked if she felt any contractions or pain but she had none.  Just a “feeling” she should go. I trusted her intuition and she drove herself immediately while I called our on-call babysitter Louise, to come stay with Braden. I then sped (over 100mph) to the hospital.  The monitors found a heartbeat but it was faint.  We delivered within minutes of admission.  Caitlin Grace Speed had entered the world. Pre-mature, but right on time.

Folks, had Cathy not woken and sensed the need to go in, the delivering doctor later told us Caitlin would not have lived to see the sunrise. God, thank You for answering my prayer that morning while speeding down Grand Parkway.  I promised You that I’d tell everyone I could, if You would just let us have our daughter.  This was a very real miracle and only one of many to follow.

As dawn began to break and Caitlin was safe in her warmer, I had the awesome privilege to return home and deliver the good news to Braden. He was just waking as I arrived.  I remember still how I presented the news. “Buddy, I have good news and I have bad news.  The bad news is Santa will need to postpone his delivery a couple of days.  The good news is, you got your perfect Christmas gift this morning.”

In the animated kids movie, “The Incredibles”, the family has a little boy named Dash who runs so lightening fast, he suddenly disappears and then instantly re-appears at his destination.  Braden got in my car just a fraction of a second slower than that.  He got to hold Caitlin and couldn’t keep his eyes off of her.

This Christmas story doesn’t have the traditional ending. Braden never once asked when Santa would come.  What other gift could compare with having another kid in his life?  His perfect Christmas gift.

Nice story, but what’s the point? 

Braden deeply needed people. Specifically, kids his age. The most valued gifts are those given out of sincere care for others and without expectation of a return.  We’ve had so many such gifts from those who care dearly about our loss and about the need to make life-changing/ culture changing impact.  In fact, tonight a family we’ve never met texted to invite us to dinner and to meet their family.

They didn’t ask nor would they want something in return.  However, they did get a return. We all did.  We gained new friends and were all made better by their CHOICE to do something outside the comfort zone.  Our kids all witnessed it and received a gift of modeled relationship MAKING. Our family most certainly felt cared for and valued.

Readers: What can we do to reduce the epidemic of depression? 

Teach your kids specific and ongoing behaviors to make another kid feel important.

Today, I asked my standard question of Caitlin.  “Did you find him?”  (code phrase for finding a person to reach into and act).  “Yes, I did!  Her name is….. and she was at a table by herself.  I told my friends, ‘Let’s ask her to sit with us’.  She was really shy but we kept trying to talk with her even though it was hard. I think it made her feel good and it made us feel good too”.

Tonight, when that child goes home and her mom asks how the day went, she’ll talk about a girl named Caitlin who invited her and stayed.  I expect the parents will sleep good tonight as will their little girl.

                        Braden’s Birthday Poem and Gift to Caitlin

My Little One, my Christmas gift;

God sent you here to give us lift.

Into our lives you’ve come and stayed;

By being mine such joy you made.

If I could gift you in return,

I’d give you just one thing I’ve learned.

Your purpose my little gift?

To live for Christ and give Him lift.

_______________________________

Prayer for all readers and your families:    Lord, please make us all givers of gifts with a No Return policy, just like you did in giving us your sweet baby boy, Jesus.  We want to live as He did by inviting and staying.

“Thanks for the reminder, son.  By the way, we sure do miss you!” – Braden’s Family

Today I feel led to share a post that is over due about clarity in our family’s purpose after the loss of our son. Specifically, it is about how our messages posted in this blog are derived.   That is to say, the “Search Engine” we are using: The Holy Spirit.

Although the blog is called, “Braden’s Voice”, I don’t serve my role nor our family’s commitment properly without clarifying that the words you’re reading come from Christ, through his Holy Spirit. I’m simply the typist.

At 5:30AM on October 31, 2018 I ran out of tears for a brief moment.  I said aloud (VERY aloud…. actually yelling), “Braden, what do you want me to do with this?” The answer didn’t come from Braden though. He was already enjoying the presence of God, far too busy being joyous to bother with the sadness of this world.  The response clearly came from God. In that moment, I confessed having never totally surrendered to God’s will in my life, but that this loss finally broke me.  Since I was completely incapacitated, I would grant God full access to the body He had created for His purpose rather than my own.

To me, “Surrender” means before stepping forward, backward, or side-ways, my family will search His direction FIRST.  Then we will just do what we are told.

Through sharing openly, our prayer is for lives to be saved. Much more importantly we pray for lives to be MADE worth living in Jesus with a personal relationship which we should all strive for with one another:

Prayer:  God, we ask that you bless each reader, their families, and every shepherd looking for lost sheep.

“Dad, I  needed more than people who fist-bumped me passing in the hall and moving on.  I needed kids my age who cared… really cared.” – Braden Speed

“Today, I found a girl sitting at lunch alone.  I asked her if she’d like to sit with me, but she was on silent lunch for punishment.  At least she knew she was invited”. – Caitlin Speed

“IT IS OUR FAMILY’S MISSION to always look for the “Braden’s” and HUG, smile, help, invite, and love that hurt away” – Family of Prosper High student

My twin brother, Mike came from Lubbock this week for a visit and to spend some guy time together. He and I look very similar.  In fact, as we’ve grown older and our hair has thinned we look more alike than ever.

Although we share a lot in common, we’re very different.  Mike’s a “Barbecue Guy”.  Barbecue guys come in two varieties: The “Mark” barbecue guy has one grill.  This one cooks burgers and an occasional holiday turkey. Mark’s barbecue is usually somewhat edible.

Then there is the “Mike” barbecue guy, with five types of grills in the backyard (true story).  This variety smokes briskets by the dozen, smoked sausages, chicken, and pulled pork, winning Grill Master contests.  Mike recently began selling his barbecue and is setting up a website!

This weekend, we hung out while he smoked pulled pork on my pitiful little grill.  We spent a lot of time together, getting “real” about life, family, and faith.  He shared a couple of stories which stood out to me.  One was about how he’d recently reached across his street to a neighbor he’d never known.  Her car wouldn’t start and she needed to get her kids to school.  He talked about how much one simple act of kindness (offering to loan his car) quickly turned them from surface neighbors to a more meaningful relationship.

I shared with him numerous stories our family has experienced (too many to count) through neighbors we had never known before we lost our son in October.

Throughout his visit, I felt our connection growing so much closer than when he first arrived.

Although Mike and I are arguably closer than most guys as twins, we’ve never been “huggers”.  We ended our first night together watching a movie and continuing to talk.  When we headed down the stairs to bed, I expected the usual “Night, Bud”.  Instead, I put my arm around him and pulled him in for a tight hug.  A real one.

Too often, people go with the fist-bump, the “Night, Bud”, passing each other as they hurry about with their busy lives.  Too rarely do we slow down, opening ourselves to others, coming into their lives in a real person-to-person relational level and stay the course.

Mike headed home this afternoon.  However, when he left it was only temporary. We’ll be together again.  He hadn’t really left.  He never will.  That is my definition of a hug.

Parents and teachers:

If you aren’t a hugger by nature, think about trying it. It might surprise you what it does for the hugged and the hugger.  Rather than a quick pat on the back or fist-bump, hold the person a little tighter… stay a second longer.   It will mean something to them.  Let others see, especially your kids.

Yes, tell them to be nice.  But if we truly do want to impact the depression in our society, we must go FURTHER by finding others to reach out to physically or better yet, reach INTO them. And STAY.

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“What’s going on with my e-mail account?” – Braden’s Dad

“It could be that I have something people need to hear.” – Braden Speed

“Daddy, today I helped a boy at school. I let him know I cared.” – Braden’s sister

The response to our first blog was astounding. Sharing from our hearts in transparency apparently struck some kind of common chord.

I’m an organizer of things. Maybe a bit OCD, although I don’t go so far as to label my socks “L” and “R”. On the other hand, don’t open our bedroom closet door because it isn’t pretty.

When it comes to managing email, I take pride in never having more than ten in my intray. After the initial blog, “Dream Nightmare” posted, I went to the gym. We got some groceries and I ran by the post office. A few hours later we got home and I pulled out my phone to check the calendar. The email app showed 66 notifications. What?? “Dang it. Setting up that WordPress blog account must have sold my email address to scammers and robot junk e-mailers.

But when I checked the emails to delete them and to set up a new address, I found hundreds of notes from individuals whom we have never met who were touched by our story. How amazing the internet can be.

We have mixed feelings about this anomaly. Such a heightened level of interest confirms there is, in fact a clear message in what Braden had to say. His message resonates because it is truth; it is heartfelt, and yet it is so elementary in its simplicity. It’s also consoling to our souls to find others walking a similar path.

However, it’s ironic and concerning that a story about teen depression and suicide is no longer a depressing blog no one wants to read, but just the opposite. People are thirsting for transparency because they have a private story of their own and they want to know how to navigate their way.

Readers

There isn’t a checklist to ensure you won’t experience our nightmare. If there were, we could eradicate the suicide epidemic immediately.  After all, we’re checklist people, right?  Wouldn’t that be efficient. I can’t truthfully say we have the answers. However, we have identified a couple of big pieces in this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle of teen culture.

All I have to offer here is what our sweet and very special son, Braden would tell me if he were here, that would have kept him alive one more minute, a day, a week, or a year… a lifetime?

That was:  “True Purpose and just one real and loyal caring friend at school would have sustained me” 

Parents: What can We Do!?

In our home, we now pack a lunch and have breakfast at our counter bar.  We say a really simple and quick prayer, most times on the run. The prayer is fast and often a little humorous. Nothing wordy or fancy. It just comes from the soul. And each day we have begun charging Caitlin to find one person that day in school to reach through the thin invisible “Comfort Zone” and to touch another kid’s life. I then ask at day’s end who she found and their name. That’s important. It’s a fun but purposeful way to teach about being Christ-like. She then goes out the door with a “mission”.

Yesterday, I asked and she said a little boy was in his wheelchair and couldn’t get the switch to operate so he was embarrassed. She asked if she could help and he nodded. She was able to jiggle it and get it to work. Then she said, “Hope ya have a great day”.

Results:

I asked how Caitlin felt that made him feel?  She replied, “Good”.

I then asked, how did YOU feel by doing that?:   “I felt really good”.

Last question: “Why?”

Her response “I helped someone to know they had a person in the world who cared”.

Reader:  Know that I am one who wants to respond to every personal note because we are intimately virtual friends sharing a similar experience. Please know that’s just who I am.

However, please also understand I’m a husband to Cathy and a daddy to Caitlin. I read each and every note and often read them aloud to my family. We are all being comforted by your prayers and personal stories. If I don’t respond I trust you understand.

With the complete trust and reliance on the Holy Sprit, Braden’s Voice is being heard.

Bless you and please remember to bless those who need you.

Just to begin, I don’t “blog”.  What is that? I also don’t like to talk to audiences. My grammar and my punctuation will be imperfect.  I also admit that I have a Texas twang that might be perceived as lacking in depth somehow. Please understand, however. I have a message from my heart.

It is Braden’s voice with which I wish to speak. – Braden’s Dad

“It isn’t enough for kids to not bully.  I need someone who cares enough to invite me, to ask about my life, and to be a real friend.” –Braden Speed

12/9/18    6:10am

I just woke from a dream.

This was one of those dreams that is just “too real”. You pinch or punch yourself to come to consciousness, but you can’t awaken from the experience. All your efforts just confirm it as… Real.

I have several friends and family members who have advised me to begin a journal after Braden took his life October 30, 2018.  They suggested writing down important experiences for later recall as often we forget too quickly the details in life that are so very crystal clear in the moment.  “Even when you wake from a dream, write it down”. Guess this is one of those moments and one appropriate to begin sharing from the heart about our story.

In this “Dream”, our son Braden was in a living room sitting on a couch. This was not our home.  It was a home where we were visiting.  The room was filled with an overly bright amount of sunlight pouring into the room through an oversized window, literally the size of an entire wall. Although the room was starkly bright, we were very sad.

I was consoling my wife, Cathy in the kitchen area. As I left her side, I noticed our son, Braden near the brightly lit window with his back to me. He was sitting sideways and twisted in a chair. I couldn’t see his face. He was in his pajama bottoms with no shirt (his favorite ensemble and the last thing he wore).

I went to check on him. He was melancholy which had become common.  I patted his stomach and hugged him from behind. I began to weep, kissing and smelling his hair. I loved to do that.  As he turned to me he had tears running down his cheeks. They were pouring from his eyes. His face was red. He’d been crying silently but I hadn’t known. I kissed his head and kept holding him very tightly and weeping.

Suddenly, I became aware this was not real.  It was a dream. “Oh, Braden. I wish you hadn’t gone”.  He replied, “I do too, daddy”. Then we both just cried together.

Then I woke in tears…

Though we can’t bring our son back, we believe God can use our story to  help save others.

Parent.  Teen.  Teacher. School administrator. Families:  

Our story is unique.  That’s what makes a story.  However, this is a story far too common these days. Teens are very often seriously considering the option of leaving this world early and before they get through the teen experience. It’s a story happening in so many homes. A story you’d never image is unfolding behind too many gorgeous facades of affluence.  It is a much longer story than suitable for this blog. It could easily fill volumes.

However, the message is very simple:  It’s not enough to just be “nice” in this world.  To make a real and lasting impact on depression and suicide, first we must be consciously/ intentionally seeking out those around us who are not being included. Secondly, we must be bold to invite  and include them; and most crucial is to stay, even when it’s not easy. In so doing, both individuals are made better and perhaps our world becomes purpose driven in others versus focused on ourselves.

Words Braden places on our hearts will be shared, but right now we really do need this first one to go out urgently.  Kids are dying or they are contemplating doing so because they aren’t living lives with purpose.

Readers: This is a rough start and I can’t say how often updates will be posted.  I begin my full time job again mid-January.  My company has been so gracious to allow some time but life will return to “normal”.    I just want to use this time to at least begin messaging as we feel moved.

We are called to teach our children the way in which they should go. Our prayer is we can help the “Bradens” who can still be saved.   My prayer is the words placed on our family’s hearts will be those of the Holy Spirit and to serve as Braden’s Voice.