Braden’s Voice

“What’s going on with my e-mail account?” – Braden’s Dad

“It could be that I have something people need to hear.” – Braden Speed

“Daddy, today I helped a boy at school. I let him know I cared.” – Braden’s sister

The response to our first blog was astounding. Sharing from our hearts in transparency apparently struck some kind of common chord.

I’m an organizer of things. Maybe a bit OCD, although I don’t go so far as to label my socks “L” and “R”. On the other hand, don’t open our bedroom closet door because it isn’t pretty.

When it comes to managing email, I take pride in never having more than ten in my intray. After the initial blog, “Dream Nightmare” posted, I went to the gym. We got some groceries and I ran by the post office. A few hours later we got home and I pulled out my phone to check the calendar. The email app showed 66 notifications. What?? “Dang it. Setting up that WordPress blog account must have sold my email address to scammers and robot junk e-mailers.

But when I checked the emails to delete them and to set up a new address, I found hundreds of notes from individuals whom we have never met who were touched by our story. How amazing the internet can be.

We have mixed feelings about this anomaly. Such a heightened level of interest confirms there is, in fact a clear message in what Braden had to say. His message resonates because it is truth; it is heartfelt, and yet it is so elementary in its simplicity. It’s also consoling to our souls to find others walking a similar path.

However, it’s ironic and concerning that a story about teen depression and suicide is no longer a depressing blog no one wants to read, but just the opposite. People are thirsting for transparency because they have a private story of their own and they want to know how to navigate their way.

Readers

There isn’t a checklist to ensure you won’t experience our nightmare. If there were, we could eradicate the suicide epidemic immediately.  After all, we’re checklist people, right?  Wouldn’t that be efficient. I can’t truthfully say we have the answers. However, we have identified a couple of big pieces in this thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle of teen culture.

All I have to offer here is what our sweet and very special son, Braden would tell me if he were here, that would have kept him alive one more minute, a day, a week, or a year… a lifetime?

That was:  “True Purpose and just one real and loyal caring friend at school would have sustained me” 

Parents: What can We Do!?

In our home, we now pack a lunch and have breakfast at our counter bar.  We say a really simple and quick prayer, most times on the run. The prayer is fast and often a little humorous. Nothing wordy or fancy. It just comes from the soul. And each day we have begun charging Caitlin to find one person that day in school to reach through the thin invisible “Comfort Zone” and to touch another kid’s life. I then ask at day’s end who she found and their name. That’s important. It’s a fun but purposeful way to teach about being Christ-like. She then goes out the door with a “mission”.

Yesterday, I asked and she said a little boy was in his wheelchair and couldn’t get the switch to operate so he was embarrassed. She asked if she could help and he nodded. She was able to jiggle it and get it to work. Then she said, “Hope ya have a great day”.

Results:

I asked how Caitlin felt that made him feel?  She replied, “Good”.

I then asked, how did YOU feel by doing that?:   “I felt really good”.

Last question: “Why?”

Her response “I helped someone to know they had a person in the world who cared”.

Reader:  Know that I am one who wants to respond to every personal note because we are intimately virtual friends sharing a similar experience. Please know that’s just who I am.

However, please also understand I’m a husband to Cathy and a daddy to Caitlin. I read each and every note and often read them aloud to my family. We are all being comforted by your prayers and personal stories. If I don’t respond I trust you understand.

With the complete trust and reliance on the Holy Sprit, Braden’s Voice is being heard.

Bless you and please remember to bless those who need you.

Just to begin, I don’t “blog”.  What is that? I also don’t like to talk to audiences. My grammar and my punctuation will be imperfect.  I also admit that I have a Texas twang that might be perceived as lacking in depth somehow. Please understand, however. I have a message from my heart.

It is Braden’s voice with which I wish to speak. – Braden’s Dad

“It isn’t enough for kids to not bully.  I need someone who cares enough to invite me, to ask about my life, and to be a real friend.” –Braden Speed

12/9/18    6:10am

I just woke from a dream.

This was one of those dreams that is just “too real”. You pinch or punch yourself to come to consciousness, but you can’t awaken from the experience. All your efforts just confirm it as… Real.

I have several friends and family members who have advised me to begin a journal after Braden took his life October 30, 2018.  They suggested writing down important experiences for later recall as often we forget too quickly the details in life that are so very crystal clear in the moment.  “Even when you wake from a dream, write it down”. Guess this is one of those moments and one appropriate to begin sharing from the heart about our story.

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In this “Dream”, our son Braden was in a living room sitting on a couch. This was not our home.  It was a home where we were visiting.  The room was filled with an overly bright amount of sunlight pouring into the room through an oversized window, literally the size of an entire wall. Although the room was starkly bright, we were very sad.

I was consoling my wife, Cathy in the kitchen area. As I left her side, I noticed our son, Braden near the brightly lit window with his back to me. He was sitting sideways and twisted in a chair. I couldn’t see his face. He was in his pajama bottoms with no shirt (his favorite ensemble and the last thing he wore).

I went to check on him. He was melancholy which had become common.  I patted his stomach and hugged him from behind. I began to weep, kissing and smelling his hair. I loved to do that.  As he turned to me he had tears running down his cheeks. They were pouring from his eyes. His face was red. He’d been crying silently but I hadn’t known. I kissed his head and kept holding him very tightly and weeping.

Suddenly, I became aware this was not real.  It was a dream. “Oh, Braden. I wish you hadn’t gone”.  He replied, “I do too, daddy”. Then we both just cried together.

Then I woke in tears…

Though we can’t bring our son back, we believe God can use our story to  help save others.

Parent.  Teen.  Teacher. School administrator. Families:  

Our story is unique.  That’s what makes a story.  However, this is a story far too common these days. Teens are very often seriously considering the option of leaving this world early and before they get through the teen experience. It’s a story happening in so many homes. A story you’d never image is unfolding behind too many gorgeous facades of affluence.  It is a much longer story than suitable for this blog. It could easily fill volumes.

However, the message is very simple:  It’s not enough to just be “nice” in this world.  To make a real and lasting impact on depression and suicide, first we must be consciously/ intentionally seeking out those around us who are not being included. Secondly, we must be bold to invite  and include them; and most crucial is to stay, even when it’s not easy. In so doing, both individuals are made better and perhaps our world becomes purpose driven in others versus focused on ourselves.

Words Braden places on our hearts will be shared, but right now we really do need this first one to go out urgently.  Kids are dying or they are contemplating doing so because they aren’t living lives with purpose.

Readers: This is a rough start and I can’t say how often updates will be posted.  I begin my full time job again mid-January.  My company has been so gracious to allow some time but life will return to “normal”.    I just want to use this time to at least begin messaging as we feel moved.

We are called to teach our children the way in which they should go. Our prayer is we can help the “Bradens” who can still be saved.   My prayer is the words placed on our family’s hearts will be those of the Holy Spirit and to serve as Braden’s Voice.