“I wonder what my life would have been like if...?” – Braden
“I have something other fathers need to hear. I only hope they listen”. – Braden’s dad
Another year will soon become history and lately they’re passing at an increasingly faster pace. Only yesterday it seems we were storing away last year’s Christmas lights and next week, my to-do list already has me climbing yet once more into that dusty attic. “Old-timers” have long lamented how time speeds up as we age and I’ve come to realize it’s true. However, in addition to some of its less desired offerings, the aging condition brings at least one beneficial side effect… wisdom.
For years, my eyesight held steady at 20/15 (better than perfect). That is, until around the age of fifty, when my quality of vision quickly took a nosedive. Overnight, either my arms were shortened or I was rapidly becoming far-sighted. Though I can still clearly see a road sign from 100 yards away, reading a book at arm’s length has become impossible without the aid of glasses. Ironically, as time began to diminish my eyesight, it has greatly helped to improve my insight.
This blog is for anyone willing to invest five minutes to read and hopefully get something positive. However, today’s message is geared directly to parents and more specifically to fathers. This one has been more difficult than others and I’ve procrastinated. However, the message is important and urgent to share. Today, as we mark a new year of putting off our unchecked to-do lists, this “insight” from a father to other fathers is overdue yet perfectly timed. Forgive me if the following is hard to read. It was much harder to write.
On a Saturday morning this past October, I had only two things on my calendar. First, was breakfast with a good friend. The second, was set to take place at a community park with more than 250 people who would be there to walk in remembrance of a loved one, a friend, or a child who had taken their own life.
For purposes of this story, I’ll refer to my friend by the fake name of “Hank” since I don’t currently know anyone by that name. Hank is a few years older than me and a father of three adult children. He has one grown son. As we talked over breakfast, he mentioned that his car had broken down, but he lacked the money to pay for a mechanic. His son was going to drop by his place later that day to see how they might be able to get the car running. Hank’s son was struggling with the typical responsibilities of a young man and my friend was clearly concerned. He’d tried everything possible to help, but it seemed futile. As a dad, I understood too well. As our kids grow, a father’s ability to help begins to wane. Work, marriage, children, finances, (or lack of these) begin to fall outside a dad’s reach to assist.
As Hank shared more, he was obviously searching for some way to help his “kid” and as his friend, I wanted to provide something in addition to moral support and a prayer. As he talked more about his concerns, a scene vividly entered my memory. Even with blurry vision, this mental picture was far too clear. It was of a morning years earlier when I’d packed to leave on another business trip. I’d forgotten something and returned unexpectedly to a surprised family. On the couch, our son had begun to cry. Too self-focused and wanting to hurry, I impatiently asked what was wrong. With tears pouring down his reddened face, it was clear our son was feeling hopeless and broken. Standing in shock, one part of me wanted to hug him, but the other part wanted to return to my car and just escape. I’ll never forget his tear-filled words. “I wonder what my life would have been like if my father had believed in me”. Trust me dads, this is not a phrase you ever want to hear, but one I can’t un-hear. For this reason, I’ve concluded it to be important to share. At least you may avoid hearing it too.
As my friend continued with the conversation, distracted by the worries of that day, I asked him to stop and repeat the words he’d just spoken, but this time to listen carefully. He looked at me like I was crazy but began. He repeated, “My car is broken down and my son is coming over to help”. At this point, I stopped him. “Now, just say that last part once more, but this time slower and really listen”. He was clearly convinced of my insanity at this point, but he complied. “My son is coming to help me today…..” At this point, Hank’s own words were sinking in and his face reflected a deeper understanding. I had still not yet informed him about my plans later that morning. He had no clue my next stop would be to join an event to remember a son who was no longer there to walk, much less help me with a father-son weekend project.
Then completely unplanned, I had an opportunity to tell my friend about the experience I’ve now shared with you. One I’m still trying to forget of a desperately lost child, hungering for the simple approval from his dad who was too busy, too selfish, and too distracted to even notice. That morning as my friend and I parted ways, I challenged him with a very simple homework assignment which I now extend to other fathers. I’m confident it will benefit you AND your child as you both navigate life.
Assigned Homework
This new year, begin by intentionally blessing your children. If you have just one or if you’re fortunate to have twenty, bless each one individually based upon their individual personality. A mother’s love is vitally important, but nothing on earth is more life impacting than a father’s blessing.
I’m willing to try but what does a father’s blessing even look like?
If you had a father who was absent or never gave his blessing, I can personally recommend forming that relationship with your Heavenly Father. It’s really the best example in history. It’s simply the unconditional confirmation of a child’s value from behind their father’s eyes. That’s it. Simple. However, the residual impact is lasting, likely into subsequent generations. Also, I encourage fathers to put aside any pride or assumption that their child “just knows” of this blessing. I’m convinced, in order for it to be most beneficial, it should be spoken aloud.
Here’s just a suggested template but use your own version. No matter the content, most importantly, look them directly in their eyes as you speak it:
“Son/Daughter, I know this will feel strange and uncomfortable but trust me, it’s important. I want you to know without one doubt that your father loves you just exactly as you are. You are my gift from God and my most prized treasure. You will always be a success in my eyes no matter what you do, where you go, or what you achieve. This is your father’s free blessing to you, so hold onto it tightly. When life or death separates us, keep these words firmly planted in your heart”.
Fathers: On our New Year’s resolution lists, before any other priority, let’s add this one at the very top and but make sure it gets a checkmark.
- Give my children their father’s blessing
Prayer: Heavenly Father, thanks for Your blessing. Being a dad is easy, but being a father requires more than I have on my own, so I’ll need help. May I learn from the mistakes I’ll certainly going to make, but help me also learn from other fathers’ mistakes. Help me use such insight. Please bless this new year and any others we may be granted in this life. May I well serve the children with whom You have blessed me.
“All these are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father spoke to them. So he blessed them. He blessed them, every one with the blessing appropriate to him.”
Genesis 49:28
Braden’s Voice 