“Dad, I miss your stories and maybe someone else does too. Often, one broken heart speaks clearest to another. Happy Father’s Day. I love you!” – Braden

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It’s been a long time between posts. We continue to navigate with the slow pace of healing, but grief is like an awkward dance with one step forward and ten back. All who are invited to such an unfortunate dance must determine their own steps. Writing has been a helpful part of the process but I’m confident the road to full recovery won’t end this side of the river. Still, we must keep on swimming. I’m reminded daily that God has already provided our only reliable life preserver, yet the choice is ours to reach towards it or to drown.

Each day since the morning we woke without our son almost five years ago, I have risen and sat alone praying, meditating, reading, often weeping and sometimes even screaming. Early on, I began writing down thoughts and experiences in the grief process as encouraged by my closest and wisest friends. Most of the times I’ve spilled my heart onto paper, they end with an honest prayer. Most of these writings remain in a journal, kept hidden.

Last week, I shared the following with my family to let them know where I am in my journey and to remind us all where the only real source of healing resides. Hesitant to post here, they encouraged me to share with those who have followed our story in hopes it may speak into someone else’s life. Helping shed even a glimmer of light in such a dark place was my commitment to God on that early morning in October 2018 when I finally and fully surrendered. It remains the only reason for opening a door of uncomfortable honest transparency when my nature is to close it and to keep it locked.

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In Search of a True Father

All my life, I had perceived God to be my judge rather than a father. He certainly was not a friend but more of a gatekeeper. To me, “God” was a gray-bearded old man wearing a disappointed scowl and holding a judge’s gavel, just waiting and even expecting me to make mistakes. Although the Bible says God created me, most of my life I believed he could only accept me if I were somehow good enough. Getting it “right”. Making wiser choices, etc. Over the past few years, I’ve come to realize that perspective is a lie called religion. It’s the primary reason most people turn away from God to do life on their own. Though I did not turn away, I didn’t know this father and didn’t believe he knew or actually cared about me.

Through the worst experience this life has to offer, I’ve come to better understand the truth. My Heavenly Father made his children as unique as a fingerprint and he wouldn’t change a single thing in how we were made. However, in our making He also gave us autonomy. The complete freedom to make our own choices. He loved us too much to remove this all-important characteristic because authentic relationship was God’s entire purpose. A healthy and lasting relationship must be mutual with no need to measure up or to check off boxes. No one seeks true intimacy with another who holds a list of requirements. Those kinds of shallow temporary “relationships” are far too common to mankind.

I’ve come to realize this father was the Creator of all things. He made me because he simply loves me just as I was made to be from the beginning. My heavenly Father cares so much in fact that he wants me to experience the FULL gift of abundant life which in my human mind I can’t fathom, yet which he freely offers. The most valuable of these gifts is a true, unconditional, and eternal relationship with the Creator and lover of my soul. That kind of love draws me to naturally seek changes in myself in order to become more like my Maker.

I thank God for knowing me well enough to realize I could never have understood this concept of relationship VS. religion without him coming into this physical world as a real man and choosing to give everything by dying as the perfect sacrifice required to reconcile a true relationship with him… even in the midst of my selfishness and destructive choices. This God saved me and would have given Himself even if it was just to save me alone. Through this love, God opened the only door to light, purpose, and the hope of an eternal relationship. The most priceless gift is this. Let me never take lightly this free gift of grace.

Finding My True Father

Most of my life I pictured Heaven somewhere in the sky far outside human reach. I’ve come to now imagine this physical life as just one side of a gently flowing river. On the other side of the river is Heaven and the two sides are connected by a narrow beautifully constructed bridge covered with vines and flowers. However, this bridge is only wide enough for one person to cross at one time. On the other side of this bridge, I picture my son waiting with eager anticipation, longing to see his dad approaching. Next to my son is my Heavenly Father’s only son, Jesus. The difference is that ours was taken away against our will, but his was given intentionally for me.

They’re holding hands and looking across the bridge, smiling from ear to ear. I’ve come to imagine the day I leave this physical world. I walk halfway across the bridge, not looking back but gazing forward at a distance into the eager eyes of both our boys, finally taking their hands and moving ahead.

Father, thank you for offering hope even in the darkest chapters of this life. For unconditional love and for undeserved grace. I long to hold Your hand on that side of the river. By sharing our story together, may it serve someone who is still searching for that narrow bridge. Amen

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬-‭30‬ ‭

“For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭108‬:‭4‬ ‭